TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and solely outside of location. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let's have One more area where by American Guys can wear robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While earlier negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: supply All people a collection about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in the war zone. It is really that he must quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You understand, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head seen from space, a attribute being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… effectively, classified.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Functions


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are unsure what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Come"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where's the nearest elevator into the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level may also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have turn-down assistance."


A different write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It desired a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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